A day in the life of me...

[Andrew]

Sort of like a diary of my day. Except my real life is boring so I'm just going to make crap up.

8th November 2005

Woke up at 8:15 for work, washed my face, brushed my teeth, went to the toilet, left for work, got dressed and made toast. Not in that order but I was tired and can't remember the right order.

Got to work 5 minutes late but no one cared. Work was pretty much normal untill 12:34 when my boss came down stairs and reveled shes actually a alien from planet Bayonet.

She told me of her alien plans to take over this world and that I was the chosen one to help enslave human kind.

I thought about it for a bit, and made my choice.

I said "I don't get paid enough for that crap"

And I threw a glass of water over her, because anyone thats seen the film signs knows that aliens are harmed by water.

Anyway, nothing happen and she just turnt around and gave me the evilest glare in the world as her eyes glowed green. With my quick thinking I poked her in the eyes and smashed a computer moniter over her head. Thankfully the water I threw over her made the eletric shock a damn sight worse and after a few frazzling seconds she was dead.

I chucked her crispy, flinching body in the skip for the garabage men the next day and carried on with my work. I doubt I will be getting a pay rise any time soon.

The rest of the day was pretty normal, I had a prawn curry for dinner.

[Andrew]

9th November 2005

When I woke up this morning something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it so I got up and went to use the toilet. It was then that I realised what was wrong.

My sodding house had disappeared!

The thing that was weird was that my possesions were still there. My TV, my bed, my computer and everything else was there but the house wasn't. I was like someone came and took it away brick by brick as I slept.

Slighty confused I rang the police from a pay phone and told them that someone had stolen my house. I don't blame them for laughing down the phone at me when I told them what had happened and it took a lot of name calling to convince them to come and investigate what had happened.

By the time I had got back from calling the police a crowd had gathered outside and one guy was even trying to take some stuff. Luckily he wasn't the most intelligent theif of all time and seemed to thing he could run away with my TV. After a few yards he was nakered so left the TV and got away.

When the police arrived expecting to arrest me for what I had said over the phone they were surprised to see I was telling the truth.

Did I get an apology though?

Did I f**k.

Anyway, they made a few calls and it turns out the council had taken the wrong house. The council, bless them, quickly returned the house and agologised for the mistake and assured me that "heads would roll". Personally I thought killing someone for a mistake like that is a bit harsh but I'm not in charge am I.

I was pleased with how it turnt out untill I realised someone had taken the cat. Theiving bastards! I called up and demanded it back but they said they didn't take him.

It turns out they were right. The git was sleeping in the airing cupboard. It's going to take hours to get all those cat hairs off my t-shirt.

[Andrew]

10th November 2005

Spent most of my day in a bin after I called dale winton a twit. Apprantley hes good mates with the local gang and they took offence to this.

It wasn't so bad though, I made a new friend. His name is tom and he's a rat. We got off to a bad start when he started to chew at my toes but after a few whacks he let me cuddle him. He smelt though so I threw him away.

A passer by let me out eventually and was nice enough to take my phone and wallet to get cleaned. It's nice to know theres decent people left in this world. I'm still waiting to hear from him though, I hope no one mugged him.

Feel tired at the moment and in need of something, possibly sex, or caffine.

Hmm...

[Bunny]

*pats Andrew on the back and tells him it will all be OK soon*

[Andrew]

thank you

11th November 2005

today started bad. I burnt my toast . They were the last two slices as well so I wasn't a happy chappy.

So I left for work in a bad mood and on the way some weirdo old guy ask me if something was wrong.

He said "is there something wrong young man?"

I said "no"

For a second I thought me might be coming on to me.

He said "I can tell theres something wrong, you look very unhappy today"

I was sure he was coming on to me...

then he said "I have something back at my place that could cheer you up"

f**k!

Maybe it was the look on my face, or maybe the fact I was getting ready to run away but he chuckled to himself and said "Dont worry young man, I dont want to sleep with you. I have a wonderfull machine that can help you feel better"

So I decided to go with him based on the fact he was very old and if he did try anything I could just push him over and run away.

When we got to his house he took me to his shed where he showed me his "time machine". By this point I assumed he was some crazy freak of a man. He told me I could go anywhere I want, anytime I want

"great!" I thought.

So I thought about it. I thought of all the places I could go. I could go back to ancient rome, see a dinosaur, experiance the birth of man.

I then thought of where I wanted to go and told the old man. I jumped in the machine and there was a huge flash of light. When the light had gone I was where I had asked to go!!

Where did I go I hear you ask. I went back in time half an hour just before I burnt my toast so I could save it.

Man, that was some good toast.

[Andrew]

13th November 2005

Was woken up today by the cat. He was eating my face.

So it was a trip striaght to hospital for me. I got to ride in a amulance ;D. The doctor said the wounds would heal ok but my nose would never grow back so I would have to get a new one. I thought this was cool untill I remembered had a fake nose.

I don't touch young boys!!

But seeing that my blu tack shaping skills are in full swing I thought I would make my own but apparently theres experts at this sort of thing that will do it for me. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't a little dissapointed.

So I came home without a nose and kicked the cat for his wrong doings but I won't hold it against him.

How can I stay angry at this...



and heres one of him cleaning his arse...



Not the coolest of cats.

I should get my new nose through the post. From what the doctor said I should be able to stick it on with some double sided tape stuff. I hope it's a good nose.

I have to go to work tomorrow. Might call in sick and do something fun, like sleep or masturbate. Maybe both.

Hmm...

[Andrew]

14 November 2005

Was a boring day today. Not a lot hapened. Went to work, came home and watched TV.

I have nothing to tell you.

Nothing.

Adios.